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“Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”
― P. J. O'Rourke
tags: books, good-impressions
429 likes
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“No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: society-s-increasing-stupidity, willful-ignorance
210 likes
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“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, All the Trouble in the World
tags: altruism, dishes, earth, help, mom, save
201 likes
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“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”
― P. J. O'Rourke
tags: growing-up, parenthood
144 likes
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“Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights -- the "right" to education, the "right" to food and housing. That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those aren't rights, those are the rations of slavery -- hay and a barn for human cattle. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
127 likes
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“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
119 likes
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“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of whor*s: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
tags: america, democrats, government, humor, politics, republicans
85 likes
“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
83 likes
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“At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
79 likes
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“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
― P. J. O'Rourke
tags: parenting
72 likes
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“We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: democrats, government, humor, politics, republicans
65 likes
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“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: responsibility
60 likes
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“When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
60 likes
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“Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
56 likes
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“The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: appearance, behavior, being-exceptional, humor
53 likes
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“Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system”
― P.J. O'Rourke
51 likes
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“The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majors--psychology, sociology, women's studies--to prove that nothing is anybody's fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you'd have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. A callous pragmatist might favor abortion and capital punishment. A devout Christian would sanction neither. But it takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal view.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
45 likes
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“The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
39 likes
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“The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: averages, humour, iq-tests, maths
39 likes
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“America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
37 likes
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“Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
33 likes
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“Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history, mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadow about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whor*s. The trouble is, in a democracy the whor*s are us.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of whor*s: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
32 likes
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“Never wear anything that panics the cat.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: humor
30 likes
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“It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of whor*s: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
tags: government, government-spending, politics
28 likes
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“A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
tags: etiquette, humor, manners
28 likes
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“People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circ*mstances differ terribly.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
tags: culture, humour
26 likes
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“I was having dinner…in London…when eventually he got, as the Europeans always do, to the part about “Your country’s never been invaded.” And so I said, “Let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD. We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort co*ke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio.' Hell can’t hold our sock-hops.
We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, f*ck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and sh*t them out before lunch.”
― P.J. O'Rourke, Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks, "What's Funny about This?"
tags: america, americans, culture, europe, europeans, nationality, politics
26 likes
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“It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
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“There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money—if a gun is held to his head.”
― P.J. O'Rourke
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“When are the world's political parties going to get appropriate symbols: snake, louse, jackal, ... trash can, clown face, ... dollar bill with bat wings on it?”
― P.J. O'Rourke, All the Trouble in the World
23 likes
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Books by P.J. O'Rourke
Holidays in Hell
3,893 ratings
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Parliament of whor*s
3,767 ratings
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All the Trouble in the World
1,674 ratings
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Give War a Chance
1,477 ratings
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